She once told a friend, in the middle of an unusual act of disclosure, that she felt as if she always lived her life treading water. Always afraid of drowning. She added that she protected her family from the thorny brambles in her head that liked to draw blood if she was not careful.
It was a New Year's Day in the late 1970's. Jack and Miguel were in the living room watching the football game with the kids, and she and Shelly were in the kitchen having a cup of tea with the last of the pastries from the previous night's dessert. It was the first and last time she had allowed her vulnerability to show in front of another. She always hid it, even from Jack, though she was not always successful.
Later that night when their guests had left and their kids were already in bed, Jack took her by the hand into their bedroom where he told her to strip, save for the panties, and to lie face down on the bed. He too stripped down to his underpants, grabbed lavender oil from the bathroom cabinet and brought it to bed where he proceeded to pour some on his hands. He then began to massage her shoulders and back.
"Talk to me," he said. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," she responded.
"Funny. Your body's telling me different."
He then began kneading the area on her left shoulder that had been aching for some time and her lie was revealed in the tears that unexpectedly came.
"That's it, baby, let it out. Let it all out."
And then the sobs made themselves known.
"Let it all out," he whispered as he massaged her shoulders, neck and back with such loving expertise she found she couldn't cease the crying, the memory in her muscles releasing the pain she felt in her heart.
"How is it you that can live with someone and yet miss them so much? I miss your touch. God, how I miss your hands on my bare back."
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know I've been somewhat neglectful. Work, the kids, and all the things that have to be done in this house..."
She cut him off, "Yes, but I matter too, Jack. I matter too."
"I know, babe. I know." He then brought his face next to hers, she felt the tickling of his whiskers against her neck and his warm breath by her ear and whispered, "You matter most of all. You know that, right?"
She couldn't answer because she at the moment she felt she didn't know the answer. He then turned her and gave her a sweet, chaste kiss that made her smile, which led to a long, gentle kiss that led to a loving union that upon its release, the pain could no longer be contained and the tears gushed, the sobs were let loose and she found she couldn't stop.
He held her until she was spent and then asked her what happened.
"I didn't realize how much I missed your body pressing against mine. You felt so good. I felt so safe. I felt I was home."
He then turned her so they could spoon. She had said 'I felt so safe.' He was only part of the problem of what was going on in her head right now, but not all. No. Not all. She had revealed more than she had thought and he'd have to work on releasing the pain from her body some more until she released it all.
"I promise never to neglect you again, love. Please forgive me."
And he pulled her closer to him, their skins warming up by the heat inside their bodies. He loved this woman so much, they had been together for so long, and still she remained a mystery. A big mess of a mystery he couldn't live without. He hugged her tighter and they both fell asleep to the sound of cicadas singing their mating songs outside of their bedroom window.
